you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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