Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
