I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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