remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
