Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
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vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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