you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
