The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
