His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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