you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Someone signed my nipple.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
