I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
