That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
