how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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