to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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