you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
