I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
