Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
