she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
