Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
