2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
