you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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