why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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