Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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