So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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