I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
