Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
