hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize