I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌