Dude i fell asleep inside of her
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick