Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
