Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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