someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
