yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
