For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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