Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
