I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
