im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
