I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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