They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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