i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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