In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
