I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I need water and some morals
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
