When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
