You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We are all done wearing pants today
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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