i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
