before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
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I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
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Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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