Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
