The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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