i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
