There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also, beer. Big fan.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
