i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
