yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
