i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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