fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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