I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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