btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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